


once you feel like you're lost, it's that you're home

by smoll_jane



Category: LOONA (Korea Band), SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Deceiving people, Friends to Lovers, Lies, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, One Night Stands, References to Depression, Summer, pansexuality, struggling with depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:55:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23495674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smoll_jane/pseuds/smoll_jane
Summary: You can’t leave your demons at home, even for summer vacations with your friends. In the bedroom he shares with Junhui, they come crawling under Mingyu’s bed.
Relationships: Kim Mingyu/Wen Jun Hui | Jun, implied kim mingyu/xu minghao | the8
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19





	once you feel like you're lost, it's that you're home

As a kid, he remembers the excitement and the struggling to fall asleep before a "big day". Mum having to give you a massage to relax and telling you you'd be too tired if you don't sleep early, you gotta have full energy for tomorrow. But then, when she leaves, you see the last colors of the day fading behind the curtains and diving your room in the dark. And still, you keep staring at your ceiling, smiling while thinking about tomorrow, turning on yourself again and again, looking for the right position, wiggling because it's too hot, then too cold. And finally, you don't know how, slumber wraps you in peace and warmth and takes you to Wonderland. But it's not done yet ! If only it was so easy ... You wake up with the birds humming under your window, before the sun even got his first coffee of the morning, when everything is still tinted with pale blue and the perfume of dawn. So, you have nothing else to do than check the clock every 30 seconds, looking by the window, feeling this big ball of joy growing up in your chest, lifting the corners of your lips. You watch the whole world waking up, privileged spectator of a new day. Far away, the sun finally decided it is time, bringing with him the first cars in the street, chasing the birds away. You hear Mum and Dad waking up too, in the room next to yours. Minseo is still too young to understand what you're feeling, and when Mum enters your room with her in her arms, she still seems to sleep, clinging to Mum's neck as Mum smiles at you, because her, she understands.

And there the day begins, all your wait is finally over. And you're tired.

But life is what it is, and here you are, all grown up. Curtains drawn, birds hushed with distordant music that kept you awake for a time you have no idea of. Oh, and coffee, too. One, two, three, four, five cups. And open pack of cigarettes lying on the table, Aji sleeping on the couch. Your eyelids are heavy, you can sense your focus lose itself, your arms numb of painting. And the canvas facing you isn't what you wanted.

And your phone rings. You startle. Right, you're supposed to live in a world that is shared with billions of other people. Turning your head to the table hurts, your neck is hoarse. Jun's face appears on the screen, you touch the green button that ends to give you back to the world.

"Gyu, where are you?", your friend's voice sounds abnormally worried. Why would he ask where you are ? It's Monday. Because Mingyu assumes the night has passed to an other day he didn't take the time to watch be born.

"I'm working, what do you want?" Oh. Your throat is dry, your voice is broken. You cough.

"Mingyu, do me a favor. The train leaves in 20 minutes so I guess you won't be there. Please take a shower, pack your things and take the next one, we'll wait for you in Naksan. You think you'll be able to catch it ? It's in two and a half hour. And brush your teeth. Please."

 _Shit_. It's not an usual Monday. Junhui hangs up and you put down the phone. As if she sensed something was going on, Aji wakes up and whines. You tell her Mum is gonna come and get her later. You stand up but hit your knee on the table and let out a slur. What a beautiful starting point for holidays.

You somewhat prepare everything, even though you probably forgot a good half of what you needed, but you don't really care. As a kid, you would have prepared your bag days before, checking it a hundred times, asking Mom to check it too. But now, you take what you can put your hand on, and fill in the bag. The shower helps, a lot. But the first coffee too. Especially the first coffee.

You've got time ahead. Holding your warm cup, you pull on a curtain and see the world already awoken. You missed it. The city blue and peasant, the rooftops golden and alive. Your coffee is too hot, but it's okay. That's how you like it. Your phone is in your pocket, you take it out. On the groupchat, texts blaming you. In a joking way, of course. Always in a joking way. But you know it's not really a joke anymore. Deceiving people became a habit.

You send a "Sorry guys :(" and put it back in your pocket. You ignore Dad's message. He never jokes. You're in holidays, it can wait.

When the sun reaches the pavements, you decide it's time to go. You kiss Aji one last time and tell her to be a good girl while waiting for Mom. You'll miss her. She never complains, never blame you for anything. Your bag seems too heavy, too cumbersome. It never seemed this heavy when you were a kid.

You close the door and say goodbye.

That's only when you're waiting for the train, on the platform, covered in rising rays, feeling the warmth of July wrapping you, that the excitement reaches you. Finally. Your lips rise up themselves, you tighten your bag, close your eyes to enjoy the sun.

And as soon as you're seated in the train, excitement kindly leave its place to slumber. How many days ? It's been a long time since you last saw him. You welcome him with open arms and fall asleep at the moment the wagon starts moving.

*

Only Junhui is here, in the hallway of Naksan's train station, when he steps in. There's a fake smile, under his enormous sunglasses. But they hug anyway, Mingyu sorry and Junhui bitter. Junhui holds him by the shoulder to check him from head to toe before removing his glasses so that Mingyu fully sees the reproaches in his stare.

"How much time ? The sleep, I mean.

-The train. Two hours ? I guess?" He feels guilty. He always feels guilty with Junhui. Because he changed. And because he knows it hurts him. Junhui slaps his shoulder and catches his wrist to drag him to the exit. Blamings left, at least for now.

"The car registration is at your name, so they took the bus to the house. Are you okay to drive? We can come back later if you want.

-I'm okay Jun, don't worry."

It goes by fast, and in fifteen minutes he's seated behind a van's steering wheel. It has been a long time. Before, he would drive almost every day, but lately he took the subway, the bus. Walked, when he wasn't too exhausted. The first minutes, everything is silent. He hates it. He hates knowing it's because of him. When he's about to turn the radio on, Junhui clears his throat.

"You know what? They were sure it would happen. Seungkwan even said you wouldn't come  
at all. I'm the only one that keeps hoping. I'm sure you're still somewhere, here, not so far away. I don't know what's wrong with you, but please don't let it take you away from us. From me."

He turns his head to Jun. His eyes are hidden by the thick black glasses, but he knows exactly how he's looking at him right now. He quickly pats his thigh before going back to the steering wheel.

"Sorry."

And then Junhui turns the radio on, smiles again.

The more he drives, the more they seem to leave the city and everything lively. Dirt roads, sand, tall grass. And finally, the sea. He smiles, follows the last dirt road and pulls over a house, right in front of the sea, along a beach. They'll be fine here.

But before he can open the door, Junhui catches him by the arm and clears his throat again. What is it, this time ?

"You know the house ? I told you it was an old aunt's. Well, not really _my_ aunt. In fact one of my friend works for this aunty and she left him the house while she was away. So, this friend, he's living with us, okay ? I promise you he's very nice."

It's not the first time Junhui brings them in something like this. But he doesn't care anymore. They're still alive after all this time, and somehow that's all that matters. He finally leaves the car and a brutal wave of heat hits him. There they are.

The house is cute. Two floors, a small porch. Seems like there is a pool, behind. And a private access to the beach. Mingyu ignores the sweat already running down his back and enters, immediately drowning in the noise flooding the whole place. It is dark, inside. Curtains drawn to keep some fresh air inside, orangey light, the smell of summer. Some music, far away, put on a speaker, and a lot of screams. He tries to catch snippets of what they say, smiles when he understands problems never really changed with the years.

Who goes in which room, who took toothpaste, are there extra pillows somewhere. He likes the fact he already had to deal with all that stuff when he was a kids. He likes the fact these questions bring him a comfort he didn't realize he needed so much.

Suddenly, Seungkwan runs down the stairs and sees him, standing in the entry. He stops for a second, waves at him with no smile, runs to what seems to be the kitchen. If there is someone that never hid his disappointment toward him, it's Boo Seungkwan. But Mingyu knows it'll be put aside in an hour, knows his friend won't say anything and will try his best to make him enjoy the holidays.

After Seungkwan, it's Wonwoo's turn to come down. But he, smiles at his sight and comes hugging him, patting his shoulder before following Seungkwan in the kitchen. There is still noise, upstairs, but much less since the main source of it is here. Mingyu looks around him, in the living room. There is a long table with at least ten chairs, old napkins, old furniture covered with porcelain. It reminds him of his grandparents. He smiles, and just when he's about to take a step to an old vase filled in with faded flowers, a delicate touch on the small of his back makes him stop. Junhui slides behind him, his bag in a hand, smiles at him when Mingyu turns to see him. His hand slides away, as nimbly as himself. Mingyu misses the contact immediately.

Junhui makes him feel comfortable, whenever they are. He always did.

He puts the bag on the table and turns to a dark corner of the room, where there is a sofa, and his face brightens up immediately. Mingyu startles when a shadow stands up and steps in the light. Jun runs to him and jumps to hug him, the stranger's arms looping around his waist.

They talk in Mandarin for a bit, Mingyu helpless, trying to see the stranger's face. When they finally break apart and Junhui turns again to him, a hand resting on the other one's shoulder, a smile not ready to leave, Mingyu can finally see. He has mid long black hair. As black as a crow's feathers. And his eyes just the same, piercing and deep. Skinny, tall but not as much as Junhui, pale.

"Mingyu, this is Minghao, the friend I talked to you about. Minghao, this is Mingyu."

The few classes of Mandarin he took before giving up let Mingyu understands the last sentence, and he slightly bows, embarrassed. Minghao does so, eyes not leaving him. He stares openly, details him from head to toe. Mingyu suddenly feels naked, would like to run away and meet his other friends. Comfort. But he's been a well educated kid and he stays, despite the uneasiness.

"Does he speak Korean?, he asks Junhui, hesitant.

-I do, answers Minghao, cutting Junhui off, unsettling Mingyu.

-Oh, I see. Well, thanks for letting us stay here, then. I'll go and unpack my things."

The boy has his limits.

Upstairs, in a room, he finds Jihoon and Jisoo, already laid on their beds, dived in the dark. The temperature is hotter, on this floor, but the tiled floor is kind of cooling things off. When he sees him, Jihoon stands up with a bright smile. He hits his shoulder, smirking. "There you finally are!". Mingyu shrugs, smiles. Jihoon never cared. And he likes that. Jisoo waves at him from his bed, too lazy to get up.

"How was the route?

-Oh, train. I slept so I guess it was okay."

Jisoo smiles and nods before closing his eyes again, fanning is face with a hand.

Jihoon drags Mingyu by the hand in the small corridor and shows him an empty room. There is already a luggage on one bed, Mingyu recognizes Junhui's one.

"Seungkwan and Wonwoo are in the other one, and there's a room that is locked, so I guess you'll have to sleep there. Is it okay for you? We can trade if you feel-

-Jihoon. Thanks. I'm okay. I'll be okay."

Jihoon stares at him, just to be sure, but Mingyu nods again and smiles. Jihoon shrugs and leaves him. Jihoon never cared, but Jihoon knows everything. But still, it never changed and Mingyu is thankful for that. He enters the room, sits on the empty bed, looks around him. There is nothing but the two beds and a closet. Just a printing of Van Gogh's _Starry_ _Night_ on one wall. He likes this painting. He's still staring at it when Junhui arrives, stops in the doorway, smiles.

"Wonwoo told me they left you this room because of the painting.

-That's nice of them. Especially after what I did."

Junhui sits in front of him, on the bed. "Hey, it's okay Gyu. Being late is not a crime, nobody is blaming you." Mingyu shrugs and looks away. He didn't mean that. He meant so much more. Junhui catches his hands. The beds are only a few centimeters apart, they're almost sticked together. "Mingyu. Stop thinking about that. You're there to empty your mind and have fun, remember?"

Mingyu tries to take his hands back but Junhui holds them stronger, dives his eyes in his. "Jun ... Am I really the one you all wanted to go in holidays with ? I'm no fun, I keep disappoint-"

"Shut up." Junhui rarely swears nor insults anyone. This time, he lets Mingyu take his hands back, runs a hand through his bangs. They grew longer. He sighs, and Mingyu feels sorry. He always feels sorry.

"Um... I'm driving them to the supermarket, the fridge's empty. Can I take the van?"

Minghao stands in the doorway and Mingyu feels stupid. It's been ten minutes since he stepped in this house and he already screwed everything up. He nods and throws the keys at Minghao, who leaves after staring for a few more seconds.

Mingyu turns to Jun again, and when he opens the mouth, Junhui cuts him off. "Don't say you're sorry. I know you are. You always are. But that's life okay? Things are meant to go in a certain way, and sometimes this is not the way we expected. Have fun here, please."

He gets up and leaves to what Mingyu assumes is the bathroom. Which means he's now alone. He'll try his best to have fun, he owes this to Jun, at least. Time to explore, then. On this floor, only the bedrooms and the bathroom Junhui is using. Downstairs, the living room and the kitchen. It isn't big, all dived in the dark. He turns the light on in the kitchen and inspects. Minghao said the fridge was empty. When he opens it, a hideous smell jumps at him and he immediately covers his nose to avoid puking. Something must be dead there, it can't be otherwise. Carefully, he looks inside and finds moldy fruits that started rotting. He looks around to find something he can use to throw them away and hopefully finds a plastic bag on the counter. He ties it tight to be sure the smell is kept inside, and throws it away.

Now, outside. Hidden behind the curtains, in the living room, there is a large bay window that he opens. It leads him to a terrace with plastic chairs, a table. Lizards flee on the concrete when they see him. It burns his feet to walk on the boiling asphalt, but he doesn't care. He was right, there is a small pool, turquoise blue. Can the seven of them fit in it though? He wouldn't be so sure. What he was also right about is the path to the beach which he takes. He walks through a few hedgerows and finally sees it.

The sea.

He missed it, more than he thought. It was always what made him the most excited, going to the sea. What made him fall asleep the latest. But still, he was never tired when going to the beach. The sound of waves crashing on the shore, the sound of sand groveling under your feet as you burn your soles on it. This beach is huge but empty from life. Mingyu walks to the water, smiling naturally. He feels at home, next to the sea. But he never really understood why. He was not born in summer nor in a city next to the beach, hasn't been to the sea regularly. But it has always been the place he feels most at ease. The seagulls scream above him, flying far away.

It's an evidence when his feet enter in contact with the fresh water. It's like he finds peace with himself, alone on this giant beach, all for him and him only. The waves gently lick his ankles, he closes his eyes. He loves it. Maybe everything will be okay. He has the sea, he has the sand. Let's stop overthinking and just live with it, enjoy his holidays with his best friends, accept everything. He knows he can always find peace here, if anything were to happen. If he doubts, if he freaks out, if he starts hating himself. The sea will be there, welcoming him warmly, ready to shroud him in comfort.

It happens that he's not alone, afterall. A dozen of meters away, there is a girl, walking barefeet in the water. She doesn't see him at first, focused on not dropping her sandals in the water with one hand, holding her long hair with the other one to see on what she's walking. Her skirt is flying with the wind, she seems to have fun trying to not fall, keeps smiling. When she finally looks up, she sees Mingyu. Her eyes widen for a moment, but then her smile grows bigger and she lets go of her hair to wave at him. More shyly, he waves at her too, still smiling.

But then, a voice, far away, seems to call her and she turns back, listening to it. Before running away and putting her sandals back on, she waves one last time.

Time for going back too, Mingyu decides.

On the terrace, Junhui is sunbathing like a cat, eyes closed and smile stretched. The sun glows on him like gold, rays flowing like honey. At first, he doesn't notice Mingyu's presence. He'd almost want to touch him, but is afraid he'd flee like the lizards before. When he finally hears Mingyu, he straightens up, stretches his arms, still like a cat.

"Was it good? The beach?

-I love it.

-I knew it." Junhui's dimple digs itself on his cheek as he sits legs crossed on his chair. The dark green plastic creaks at the move, hesitant, but then it hushes.

"Have you already been there?"

Junhui chuckles, looks far away, where he can distinguish the sea behind the hedgerows. "I did." Before Mingyu can see melancholy painting in his eyes, Jun puts his sunglasses on and hides everything. "A long time ago."

Before Mingyu can ask, the door of the house slams open and a bunch of hysterical bursts in, some reaching the terrace. Seungkwan proudly stands on the stair forming a border between the inside and the outside, hands on his hips, and announces like an MC : "We're going out tonight !"

Junhui laughs, Mingyu chuckles. Jisoo, standing just behind Seungkwan, shows his approbation with thumbs up and happy noddings. Jihoon passes behind the both of them, heading to the kitchen. "But before, dinner."

They all take part in the process, and Mingyu feels good. More than he did in the past months. A rare moment of joy that he hopes will be followed by plenty of others. Of course, Seungkwan and Jun argue on stupid things like the amount of water they need to put to cook the ramyeons, Wonwoo lives in his own world peacefully, cutting the vegetables. Minghao puts the dishes on the table, outside, while the sun goes down. He lights up candles that are supposed to chase the bugs away.

And after what seems to be centuries, they're finally all seated in front of mountains of food. That too, Mingyu missed it. Eating a correct meal, with friends, not having to check the time every two seconds. Even eating makes him happy at this exact moment, and he starts feeling the excitement of childhood arise in him. Wonwoo sees his smile from across the table, smiles too. It's as simple as that.

Slurping on his noodles, Seungkwan points at the both of Minghao and Junhui. "So, how do you know each other?"

Junhui freezes, but Minghao calmly answers while filling in his plate. "High school." Next to Mingyu, Junhui nods, engulfs a spoon of rice. "I bullied him and he sort of thought it was a sign to become friends. And we did, surprisingly."

Jisoo laughs and slaps Junhui's shoulder. "You always got a weird sense of understanding, right?" And Junhui laughs too, finally back to normal.

After dinner, most of them go get ready to go out, and Mingyu ends up alone in the kitchen with Minghao.

"You're a good cooker, that was tasty.

-Oh, thanks", Mingyu scratches his nape before it turns red. The sink is too small and they have to stand close to each other to wash the dishes. Probably unknowingly, Minghao closes the distance between them and ends up with his right side sticked to Mingyu. He's really skinny, it was not just an impression. He can literally feel his bones through the layer of skin that separates them. And he can also feel the warmth of the said skin.

"You looked uncomfortable at first sight. But you relaxed, am I right?"

Mingyu stops scrubbing his plate and turns his head to Minghao, eyes slightly widened. Minghao, him, goes on like he said nothing, and it unsettles Mingyu even more.

"I ... should go take a shower before we leave. I'll finish this later it's okay."

And he flees like a scared lizard.

Once they're all ready, hair neat and shirts fancy, even little details of makeup for the most ambitious, they head together to the city on a gravel path. The vibe is light and relaxed, they're all excited of what Minghao will make them discover tonight. The sun is already down and the moon won't last to show up, proud and bright. The air is chill, a fresh breeze running through hairs and gently caressing the sea, far away. While they're still away from the city, they can hear the waves and the crickets singing in the fields. Mingyu looks up to the stars. They're on time. Everything is perfect.

When back to the real world, they end up in front of the nightclub. People are already inside, only a few groups are out, gathered around cigarettes, small orange circles as only light on their faces, clouds of smoke rising to the sky. He used to think it was what clouds were made of. The music comes muffled to them, basses drumming and bursts of voices muted.

"Okay folks," starts Minghao when they're about to enter. "You all know how to go home, right? I won't come and get you at whoever's place at five in the morning, okay ? It's either you take the path we went by, or you go to the beach and follow it all the way to the right. Once you feel like you're lost, it's that you're home." They all nod frantically, impatient to go in and enter the night life of Naksan.

It takes them six stairs and a dark hallway to get in an other world. Air smoky and neon colorful, bodies pressed and music welcoming. Mingyu missed this. It's been so long since he last went out. Jihoon catches his wrist when they all head to the bar to catch drinks. He could easily get lost again.

It has not been five minutes since they are here that Junhui already tries to get them to the dancefloor. Mingyu sighs when he drags him in the crowd, but can't help but smile at the utter joy on Jun's face. They dance together, the both of them with a glass in a hand. Junhui naturally raises a hand to Mingyu's shoulder, and they dance, laughing. It's as easy as that. It has always been. Junhui doesn't notice, but Mingyu stares. He stares at how the neon reflect on his skin, at how bright his smile is, at the thin wrinkles at the corners of his eyes when he smiles -which means non-stop. He stares at how Junhui looks at the world around him. Always good. Because this is what he likes in Junhui : the genuine goodness he constantly exudes. There is never a second that there is no goodness in him.

When their glasses are empty, he takes Junhui's one and points at the bar to say he's getting them other drinks. Once at the counter, he notices they all dispersed, and when he looks behind, where he left Junhui, he sees Minghao joining him.

Wen Junhui is touchy, has always been. But Mingyu always thought he was touchy in a different way, with him. He's friendly, affectionate with their friends. But with him, that is different, even though he could never explain. And still, today he finds out Jun is touchy all differently with Minghao. They've been dancing for five minutes, but Junhui's hands already found Minghao's hips, hands steady on his body, smile caring. It does a little something to Mingyu's heart, a pinch, a punch even.

Finally, he only needs one drink. He turns again to the counter and asks for a gin tonic to the pink-haired barmaid. When she comes back with his drink and he takes his wallet out, she shakes her head. "That's on me. You look like you need it more than the club needs this money." Mingyu smiles. He's so pathetic. He goes on the dancefloor again, lonely, until a light tap on his shoulder makes him turn around. At first, he sees no one, but then realizes a girl is standing in front of him, reaching his shoulder with her head. He smiles, embarrassed at first, but the girl smiles so brightly it immediately reminds him of who she is.

He has to lean down to overcome the music and speak to her ear. "You're the girl from the beach, right?" She smells good, strawberry and mango.

She nods, her smile growing even bigger -he didn't think it was possible. "My friend, she works at the bar, told me she saw you!" He looks back at the pink lady, waving at them with a smile.

Mingyu nods too, and they start dancing for a bit. The girl is cute, bright like a sun, dancing as if her life depended on it. He could even find fun in dancing with her, if he didn't see Minghao and Junhui dancing in his visual field. The girl seems to notice his reluctance and pulls on his arm for him to bend down. She uses her hand like a cup to talk in his ear. "You can kiss me if it makes one of them jealous. I don't mind!"

He wasn't expecting this, for sure. Mingyu straightens up and widens his eyes, taken aback. But this is tempting. Terribly tempting. He looks back at Minghao and Junhui, and when he meets her eyes again, she nods with a smirk. "It's okay!" He can't hear but reads on her lips.

So, he bends down, puts a hand on her nape while she catches his waist, hand light and delicate. Her hair is so soft it tickles the back of his hand. She smiles just before their lips meet and he closes his eyes. This is sweet. She is sweet, in fact. Her lips taste like the pink cocktail she was sipping on, with an aftertaste of mint and bubblegum. When they break apart, Mingyu is the one to smile. But the girl tiptoes to talk : "If you want it to work, we have to get out now. What about we take a walk on the beach?"

Mingyu hesitates for a second but nods right after. He doesn't want to stay here anyway. Even if it was nice at the beginning, the mood left.

When they pass in front of the bar, the girl waves at her friend who frowns. She must not have seen it coming either.

They end up on the beach, under the moon, and the girl takes her high-heels off to walk in the sand.

"So you're even shorter in real life?

-Look who's talking, mister giant !"

She bursts out laughing and it is pleasing. It twinkles in the air and mixes to the waves sound. She turns to him and reaches for his hand : "I'm Jiwoo, by the way." Mingyu smiles. They just kissed but she wants to shake his hand to introduce herself. Well. He takes her hand. "I'm Mingyu. Thanks for taking me out."

Jiwoo smiles and walks closer to the water, her shoes balancing on the tip of her index finger. The breeze dances in her long hair, and from behind it looks like a picture. The moon is reflecting on the sea, a girl walking to the shore, hair in the wind. And a lonely man looking at the scene. She turns back, eyes widening when she sees how far he is.

"Come on!"

They finally both sit on the shore, feet licked when the waves are bold enough to reach them. Jiwoo draws in the sand with a finger while Mingyu looks far away, where the moon comes closer to the surface of the water, ready to get swallowed until tomorrow.

Jiwoo straightens up and looks in the same direction. "So tell me, which one of them did you want to make jealous?"

Mingyu chuckles, shrugs. Little does he know. "One of them is a sexy stranger I met earlier today, and the other one has been my best friend for the past five years of my life."

Jiwoo doesn't point out the fact he didn't answer and nods. She finds a shell in the sand and plays with it for a bit. "You know, you kind of helped me too. There was this girl, in the crowd." She takes a pause, Mingyu takes in the information, lets out a small _Oh_ , and she throws the shell in the water. "But she never notices me. She's my friend, but it seems like she doesn't see me, like I don't exist. So I'm trying to make her see me. I tried everything."

Mingyu nods, sighs. He understands too well.

"So ... Are you in love with him?" He startles. Love. That's a word he's not used to. A difficult thing he tries not to think about. A word empty of meaning. "Or at least, do you like him?" That's already better. He shrugs. Jiwoo chuckles. "From what I saw, you do. Kahei told me you looked sad when you saw them together." That's it. People understand better than him what he feels. But maybe sad is the right word, to begin with. Because he was, in fact, sad. Or maybe jealous. Jealous to see that someone else was getting what he was too big of a coward to try to get. "Does he know? That you like men?"

His laugh is a bit scary. He makes himself laugh. Jiwoo looks surprised of his reaction. Because she doesn't know the problem starts right here. "I don't even know who I like, if I'm being honest. Never really had time to think about it. It scares me. To think of it." Jiwoo catches his hand. Hers is warm, soft. Looks ridiculously tiny. But the contact is welcome. "It scares me that I don't really care, in fact."

Jiwoo squeezes his hand, rubs her thumb on the back of it. It tickles. "It's okay, you know? Not knowing. But also not caring. You don't have to put a label on everything in your life, and even if you want to, there is a label for everything, you just have to decide if you want to take it or not."

He feels like sobbing. Jiwoo senses it and chuckles, shaking their hands. "Hey don't cry!"

"But how is it that a girl I met one hour ago tells me things that it feels so good to hear?"

Jiwoo laughs and throws her head backwards, her hair caressing the sand as she does. The moon seems to smile with her, a little brighter, and little warmer. "That's wrong ! We met in the afternoon, that's already a bunch of hours more!"

Mingyu chuckles, wipes his tears before they escape. "Thank you. I needed to get reminded of what's important and what's not."

Jiwoo's smile is so fond and gentle he feels the urge to hug her. She feels so tiny in his arms he's suddenly afraid to break her, but the way she wraps her arms around his waist makes him feel safe. She keeps chuckling and he senses his own heart finding a peaceful rhythm.

They got broken apart when Jiwoo's phone starts ringing in the pocket of her skirt, but even when she picks up, she keeps a hand on Mingyu's thigh, gentle reminder that she's there.

"Kahei? Oh. Mmh. Yeah. Tell her I'm coming. Give me fifteen minutes and I'll be there. Make her tie her hair ! Give her sparkling water, it helps. Yeah I'm coming I said ! Oh. Sooyoung, calm down! I'm coming swee- Yeah. I'll hurry up."

She hangs up, kneels on the sand, ready to stand up. There is a sorry smile on her lips. "That's Sooyoung. The ... the girl I told you about. She's sick, I need to get back to help her." Mingyu nods. He smiles. "But give me your number ! We'll meet again, okay?" She hands him the small device, and just when he's done typing his number in, it rings again. Jiwoo sighs before picking up. "Jungeun ? What do you mean she passed- what? Okay. Bye Mingyu!" She quickly hugs him one last time before running away, her voice losing in the sound of the waves crashing on the shore.

There he is. Alone again. But it was nice. He feels good. He stands up, cleans his pants from the sand that sticked to it. The waves are starting to be more insisting, bolder. They come closer and wet the back of his pants. Let's go home.

He has all the time to think about his conversation. And the moon is there to help. Does he like him ? Does he _love_ him ? But what is really love ? He was in love, once. He was twelve and she broke his heart. The way he suffered from it made him assume it was love. But what if to know love you have to be hurt ? What if the only way to measure your love you have to know how much it hurts you?

What if he just understood how much he loves him?

_Once you feel like you're lost, it's that you're home._

He is indeed lost when Mingyu reaches the house. What Minghao said resonates in him. It wasn't meant this way, but he comes home with so much more questions in his mind, so much doubts, so much uncertainties. Lights are on in a few rooms, upstairs. The bay window has been let open.

There is light under the locked door, which he assumes is Minghao's room. Voices coming from it. No one in Mingyu's room. He lies on his bed still clothed, doesn't bother turning the light on. Oh. The bed is too small for him. His feet hang in the void. Well. There are some mold stains on the ceiling. He starts counting them, his eyes slowly close.

"Oh, you're there."

He opens his eyes again. Junhui is standing in the doorway, just like he did in the afternoon. Mingyu nods and Jun comes lying on his bed too. He takes his shirt off, covers himself with the sheets.

"How was it with the girl?" So, he saw him. "She looked pretty."

"It was nice." And it was. But not the way Junhui understands it. He turns to face the wall.

"I'm glad for you. Good night then."

It's freezing him. The coldness in Junhui's tone. Mingyu mumbles a good night too. Starts staring at the ceiling again. It's too hot in the room. Suffocating. He can't sleep. After a few minutes, he hears Junhui's breath getting longer and deeper, and he decides it's time to go. All lights are off now.

Mingyu goes to the terrace. But he can't settle here. It's too ... uncomfortable. He perfectly knows where he'll feel good again. His feet already remembered the way perfectly and lead him to the beach again. It's not boiling like it was in the afternoon. Now, it's cooling him off just the way he needs. He sits in the middle of the beach, far enough to not be surprised by the waves, but also far enough from the house.

He rummages through his pocket and takes out his box of cigarettes. It's brand new. When did he buy it ? He doesn't remember. Has been living on automatic mode for too long, has stopped thinking about anything a long time ago. He avoids everything, buries the questions and the doubts. That's what his life is made of. The clicker resonates, alone in the world, and right after a glimmer is born. Like a lighthouse for a ship lost at sea, Mingyu holds his cigarette like it could save his life. Because _he_ is the ship lost at sea. But it can't. Save his life. Because it is just a rolled piece of paper with tobacco. But for now, it'll be enough. The sound of paper burning soothes him, the regular inhaling and exhaling relax him. He concentrates on the waves, meters away.

The sea lives its life. Never doubts. Never bothers anyone. The sea is lucky. He'd like to be like the sea. But he's just a spectator, a miserable observer. He chuckles, looks at his cigarette dying between his fingers. At least, he has an example to follow. He smiles. As a kid, his example was his mother, and now, it's the sea. He doesn't know how Mum would feel knowing that information. Mum who always asks how he's doing on the phone, worries in her voice. Mum who he avoids seeing because he doesn't want her to see the dark circles under his eyes. Or just his eyes. Because he knows Mum would know something is wrong. And even though Mum is Mum, she wouldn't understand. Couldn't help him. Because nobody can.

Mingyu startles when someone drops next to him, instinctively bringing a hand to his heart. Minghao smiles, hands him a bottle of soju. With a loud sigh, Mingyu accepts. He lights up an other cigarette.

"Can I?", Minghao asks before Mingyu hands him the box. "I was sure you'd be there."

Mingyu is tired of people being sure of things about him. He's tired of people knowing more about him than he does. He takes a long sip of soju, grumbles. He's so annoyed that he forgets to spit the smoke out and burns his lungs, coughing to make the acrid fire leave. Minghao chuckles, elegantly exhales his own smoke.

They don't talk. There is no need to. The waves do the conversation. Minghao brought four bottles. They already emptied two of them when he speaks. "Jun told me you were different. I don't know you from before, but I can tell you have not always been like that."

Mingyu clenches his fists. It's starting to get on his nerves. He turns to Minghao, meets his stupid smart eyes. "Who are you to think you know me? Huh? Who are you all to think you know how I'm feeling ?" Minghao widens his eyes. He wasn't expecting this reaction, for sure. Neither was Mingyu. "How can you be so sure of what I'm feeling when I don't even know it myself?"

He chuckles. hides his face in his hands. Minghao puts a hand on his back but he shakes it away. He doesn't want his pity. He doesn't want people to look at him with these sorry faces. _You can do nothing about it Mingyu, that's life. We're there for you Mingyu_. He wants people to get angry with him. He wants people to blame him because he's an asshole that doesn't take responsibilities. He wants to wake up and realize all of it was a nightmare.

The time he forgot Seungkwan's birthday and the party that went with it, and realized only when he saw the photos on social medias.

The time he yelled at Wonwoo because he told him the parking place he chose was a private one.

The time he left Jisoo talk all alone during dinner because he wasn't feeling like talking.

All the times he didn't take Aji out because he was exhausted and he had to call Jihoon.

All the times insomnia kept him awake all night and he was too tired to go in classes, and he left Junhui alone.

Mingyu looks at Minghao, and he's not sad anymore. He's just so angry with himself. "You know what's the worst ? People, my _friends_ , understanding before me what was wrong. I've been diagnosed with depression after fucking seven months of being a fucking asshole to everyone. Because I wouldn't listen, I wouldn't admit I was fucking not okay."

Minghao hushes. He doesn't look away. He doesn't look sorry. So Mingyu talks.

"And you what's even worse ? Not being able to tell Junhui."

Minghao nods. "You're an asshole, you're right."

And they both hush. The remaining bottles of soju don't last to get empty too. Mingyu feels like a burden has been taken off his chest. That feels good.

What feels even better is when Minghao, after long minutes of silence, comes closer and lets one of his hand trail along Mingyu's thigh. He shivers. And then, Minghao shifts position to face Mingyu, slides his hand on his chest. Mingyu's breath gets shorter. He raises a hand to Minghao's neck. His skin is frozen. When they kiss, it is raw, hard. But it is good, warm. Minghao knows what he does. Mingyu doesn't. But he follows along. Minghao's hand slides under Mingyu's shirt, caresses his chest, his ribs. It's as frozen as his neck, sends shivers to Mingyu's whole body. To balance, Mingyu brings Minghao closer, presses his lips stronger. Minghao nimbly passes a leg above Mingyu's to end up on his lap, takes his hands back to bring them on Mingyu's head, play with his hair. And Mingyu has all the time to slide his under Minghao's dress shirt, discover his skinny chest. He's sure his skin would shine under the moonlight.

He feels like a predatory whose pray is taken from him when Minghao suddenly stands up, reaching for his hand. But he doesn't take long to understand and they end up running like teenagers in the sand to reach the house. The mystery door unlocks and Mingyu discovers a large bed, way better than his. Minghao pushes him on it, a smirk stretching his lips, and Mingyu immediately sits to catch his shirt and drags him on it too. They're back in the same position, and this time Minghao is determined to take his clothe off. Which he does, with nothing but reluctance from Mingyu. They kiss again, harder, stronger. Tongues dancing crazily and hands going hastily on bodies.

And there it happens. Mingyu takes Minghao's shirt off and Minghao starts undoing Mingyu's belt. And what does Mingyu ? Mingyu sees Junhui, taking his shirt off. Mingyu hears Junhui wishing him goodnight and not thinking it at the slightest. And Mingyu feels his heart clenching when he sees Junhui dancing with Minghao. And Mingyu feels the pain when he understands he's in love with Junhui.

"I can't." He's suddenly petrified of himself. Puts both of his hands on Minghao's chest to keep him from touching him any more. He was right. Even under artificial lights, Minghao's skin shine. And Minghao sits back on Mingyu's lap. Runs a hand through his hair. "I can't do that."

He's terrified of himself. Doesn't understand what he's doing. Never did, actually.

Minghao sighs and pulls aside to lie on the bed, imitated by Mingyu.

"I'm sorry.

-I was s-

-If you say you were sure of it I'll hit you.

-I was sure of it."

Mingyu hits Minghao's shoulder, they chuckle. "I'm still sorry though." Mingyu takes a deep breath. He can say it. "I'm in love with Jun." Silence. Long, heavy silence. Mingyu turns the head to make sure Minghao isn't dead next to him.

Minghao turns to look at him too. They're only a few inches away, can sense each other's breath. "Can I say I knew it too?" A smile stretches his lips, slowly.

"If you do that you won't get out of this room alive."

They both burst out laughing. It was so easy. So normal. After a few seconds, they go back at staring at the ceiling. Mingyu can sense Minghao groping the mattress to find his hand. Even if it annoys him that people understand things too fast about him, he's glad they notice how good it makes him feel when they hold his hand.

"What about the girl, though?

-Oh. We just talked on the beach. She was a lesbian.

-Obviously."

Mingyu hits him one more time, chuckling. He's so oblivious it makes it funny.

They stay like this for a long time, but when Mingyu feels his eyelids getting heavier, he stands up, letting go of Minghao's hand. "I should go to sleep. Good night."

He's about to open the door when he hears Minghao sitting on the bed. "Hey asshole. You should tell him. Jun."

Mingyu nods and leaves.

There is a window in the corridor. The day is starting. Just like when he was a kid. World blue and birds waking up. He smiles.

*

Everyone is already up when Mingyu goes downstairs. There is only Jisoo, working on his computer on the terrace. He turns to him when he hears him, smiles.

"Oh you're finally up. We didn't want to wake you up.

-What time is it?

-Three. They're at the beach, if you want to join them. I got some work to do."

Mingyu nods with a smile. It's been years since he slept for so long. He hopefully finds some juice in the fridge and drinks a glass of it before going out. He can already hear their screams and laughs from the terrace, and it makes him smile.

Junhui, Seungkwan and Jihoon are running in the water, splashing each other, jumping and trying to drown each other, and Wonwoo and Minghao are seated on the sand.

"Hello." They both smile at him as he takes his t-shirt off and takes his phone out of his shorts pocket. Mingyu quickly rushes to the water to join his friends. He holds back a slur when he trips and falls in the cold water, and is immediately attacked by Jihoon who jumps on his back to block him from standing up. Seungkwan attacks too by splashing him right in the face, quickly followed by Junhui.

And they play like this for what seems to be hours. Just like a bunch of kids whose only worries are what they're going to eat tonight. Jihoon trades places with Wonwoo and Minghao at some point, Seungkwan goes home to take a nap, Mingyu sits just at the shore.

"Mingyu ! Phone !"

He turns back and sees Jihoon shaking his phone, vaguely hearing it ringing. He runs to him, sand sticking all over his body, taking the phone and squinting at the unknown number.

"Hello ? Oh ! Hi ! How are you ? I'm fine yes. Tonight ? Wait a second." Mingyu covers the mic of his phone to look at Jihoon, curiously staring at him. "What do we do tonight?" Jihoon shrugs, mouths _Back to the club I think_ , and Mingyu nods. "Yeah, we'll be in town. Okay, see you tonight then ! I'll text you when we get there. Bye."

"Who was it?" He can _feel_ the interest in Jihoon's voice.

"Jiwoo, the girl I met last night." At his friend's expression, he can tell he's getting the wrong idea. "Don't make such a face, she's a _friend_ okay?" Jihoon innocently raises his hands and chuckles.

And just like this, they go all over the same routine as yesterday. Stacking themselves in the kitchen to make dinner, laughing over food and old stories, queuing in front of the bathroom, waiting to get ready. They decide to run on the road to reach the city, since there is no car at all under the streetlights. Running, laughing, forgetting. Mingyu likes when he forgets. Because for the whole day, he hasn't thought about anything negative. He forgot the negative. And that makes him run faster, because right now, he feels free. Junhui runs next to him, both losing their breaths, fillings their lungs with the night air, and it feels good.

Once in front of the nightclub, Mingyu texts Jiwoo, tells everyone he'll join them in a moment. Smirks for the majority, something he can't explain for Junhui. But he shrugs and enters the club. Jiwoo comes out at the same time, turns back to look at Jun. She jogs to Mingyu with her usual bright smile, hugs him as a _Hello_. They find themselves a place on the edge of a wall.

"How did it go with your girl?"

Jiwoo chuckles at the word. Looks at her feet. Mingyu gets it.

"I ... don't think it counts because she was completely drunk. But she told me things she never did before. And I think that's a first step !"

Mingyu smiles, pats her head. He's happy.

"And you?"

Oh. Him. "I ended up with the wrong one. But understood before making a mistake." Jiwoo nods, trying to understand. "And I have an answer now. For your question." She arches an eyebrow, tilts her head to the side. "I love him."

She holds back a small scream and jumps down the wall to hug him. If he seemed happy for her before, she looks overexcited.

"That's awesome! You got to do something now! Come on, let's go inside!"

He can't say anything, immediately dragged to the nightclub. Jiwoo keeps jumping happily as she holds his hand tightly to be sure she doesn't lose him. The crowd is even thicker than yesterday. It is hard to spot his friends, but Mingyu does after some seconds of research, thanks to Junhui being relatively tall. When he's about to head to them, Jiwoo pulls on his sleeve, mouthing _Drinks_ , and he changes his direction. Her friend, Kahei as Mingyu understood she was called, serves them the same pink cocktail Jiwoo drank yesterday and a gin tonic, without needing Mingyu to order.

"But you gotta pay today, I ain't offering you a second drink. Jiwoo that's okay for you sweetie."

Mingyu chuckles and pays, and they finally leave the counter to look for Junhui. Jiwoo is still strongly clinging on Mingyu's arm when they find him, and the first thing Jun does is staring at their linked hands. His smile looks fake as he slightly bows to Jiwoo, who does the same but with an unhidden excitement.

"Hum, that's Jiwoo, the friend I told you about. Jiwoo, that's Jun, the ... friend I also told you about."

Before Junhui can say anything, Minghao comes from behind him and wraps an arm around his shoulders, visibly already tipsy. "You were right, she's cute ! But also looks very much like she doesn't like men-

-Minghao ! Shut the fuck up ! You can't say that." Mingyu instinctively holds Jiwoo by the shoulders, but she bursts out laughing.

"You're right ! It's not a secret, don't worry. And on my behalf, you look pretty gay, boy."

Minghao bursts out laughing too, almost bent in two to hold his sides. Well, Mingyu doesn't know what he had time to drink since he entered the nightclub, but it must have been pretty strong.

"I like this girl !" He raises his hand for a high five, which Jiwoo gives him, and takes her from Mingyu, wrapping his arm around her shoulders instead of Junhui. "Let me get you a drink."

Before they disappear in the crowd, they both turn to Mingyu and wink at him. Minghao is completely sober.

So, Junhui and Mingyu end up alone on the dancefloor, Junhui still having this weird thing in his eyes. And Mingyu still can't understand what it is.

And before he can ask, before he can move or think about anything to do in this situation, Jun turns his back on him and runs to the exit. What is he doing ? Mingyu, helpless, follows him but a few seconds late, having to deal with a bunch of dancers between them. He's still stuck in the middle of the crowd when he sees Junhui going up the stairs. "Jun ! Jun wait !"

It is stressing him. Not knowing what's happening. When he's finally free from the crowd and able to reach the exit, someone pulls on his sleeve. He turns and discovers Jihoon, questions all over his eyes. Mingyu shrugs and frees himself, running up the stairs.

Once out, he looks around to find Junhui. He's starting to panic. Calm. He must stay calm. As calmly as possible, he scans the area, and finally finds a shadow that looks very much like Junhui on the way to the beach. He walks instead of running, trying to calm his heart beating way too fast. He can't mess up. Not now.

It was him. Junhui is walking on the beach, looking down, holding his shoes in a hand. Mingyu fastens up to reach him. He hushes until he ends up next to him, but Junhui doesn't look at him. Mingyu has to act, for once in his life. He catches Jun's wrist to force him to stop.

"Jun what's going on?"

And there he sees it. The thing. In his eyes. Anger. He has never seen anger in Junhui's eyes before. And it is scary. Terrifying. Junhui takes his wrist back.

He seems about to talk. Takes a deep breath. Shakes his head. Takes his breath again. "What's going on? Mingyu, are you seriously asking me what's going on? What's wrong with you?" His voice cracks on the last word, he drops his shoes in the sand. " _I_ am the one that should ask what the fuck is going on! Is this all a game for you Mingyu? Am I just a toy you take when you want and throw when you're bored?" Mingyu stands there like an idiot. Feeling ridiculously small. "What are you doing since yesterday? I don't recognize you anymore Mingyu." Jun sighs and bends down to pick up his shoes before turning his back on him to continue walking.

Mingyu stands there for a little while before jogging to catch up on Jun. He doesn't touch him this time, just stops behind him. "What do you want me to say? Jun what is it that you're waiting for me to say?" Junhui turns, but just his head. Because if Mingyu disappoints him, he'll go away. "Do you want me to say I was jealous? Do you want me to say I'm feeling things I shouldn't?" Junhui turns a bit more, the moon reflects in his eyes. "I'm lost Jun. I've been for so long. Because we don't talk about this kind of things. We never do. And I'm here, with my stupid feelings I don't know what to do with, being a coward and an asshole, and there's this fucking disease that gives me all the reasons to be an asshole but I don't want these reasons ! I don't want depression to be an excuse for being an asshole with you! I don't want depression to be the thing keeping me away from you. Because I'm the one and only there is to blame for staying away, because I'm just terrified of messing up."

He's out of breath, when all traces of anger disappear from Junhui's eyes. He whispers so, so low, his voice almost loses itself in the waves. "You have depression?" Mingyu sighs, trying to catch his breath, and Junhui comes closer.

"You asked what was going on, here is one of the things going on. But there are so many other ones Junnie." He gets closer and closer. "Do you want to know an other one ? An other one is that I have been a coward that didn't dare to ask a simple question for years. I should've asked it long ago, a few words and it would all have been done. Do you like men ? Four words. Four fucking words I couldn't ask, four fucking words that could've changed it all. But I fucked up ! Because that's the only thing I know how to do ! I fucked up Jun, I fucked up."

Jun hushes. They're only a meter apart, now. Mingyu looks down, takes a deep breath. Looks at Junhui again. Now, the moon is not only reflecting in his eyes. His eyes are moons. Shiny and glowing and filled in with tears. Mingyu doesn't want him to cry. But it's too late.

"You want an other explanation ? Minghao. It drove me crazy. The way you smile at him. The way you talk to him. The way you touch him. The way you look at him. It drove me so crazy I felt the urge to make you suffer a bit too. But I realize now that you've been suffering from my bullshit for way longer than the few minutes I suffered yesterday. I've been hurting you for too long. I realize that you don't deserve all of this shit I always do. That it was the last drop that made the vase overflow. Because of all this shit I lost my best friend. Because by trying to not mess everything up and lose my best friend, I messed things even worse and lost you anyway."

Junhui shakes his head, hides the tears when they start flowing on his face. He hushes, still.

"Jun. Talk to me please."

He finally looks up, letting the tears do their job and roll to the sand freely. He stares at Mingyu, jaw clenched, breathing heavily. "You're so stupid Mingyu."

And he runs away. Mingyu doesn't try to stop him.

*

He goes home late. He waited on the beach in front of the house. Waited for what he thought would be enough for Jun to fall asleep. He heard the others going home. Everything was silent enough around to hear their conversation. And they were also drunk enough to talk loudly. They were asking if Jun and Mingyu were home. Jun was. Mingyu was not. They wondered what happened. Well, Mingyu did too. They all went to sleep. The lights turned off. He waited a bit longer and finally went home.

He enters the room silently. Jun is sleeping on his back, facing the ceiling. He doesn't look at peace. _Normal, fucking idiot_. Mingyu lies on his bed, his feet still stupidly hanging in the void. He probably won't be able to sleep. He tries to listen to Junhui's breath. But it's not the breath of someone sleeping.

"Minghao is my ex."

Mingyu hushes.

"He was my very first boyfriend. We loved each other. But we realized it was not the kind of love we were supposed to feel for each other. We broke up. But we're still close. He's one of my best friend, he made me learn about life more than anyone did. He was with me when we left China. He was with me when Grandma died and I had to go back. He was with me when I first felt the urge to run away. It was here."

Mingyu hushes. There is a long silence.

"He was with me when I understood I was in love with my best friend."

Mingyu turns his head to Junhui. Breath cut short. Junhui still stares at the ceiling.

"He was with me when I cried for hours, understanding I was in love with a man that didn't see me like that. He was with me when I got my heart broken for the first time."

A single tear runs down Mingyu's cheek.

"I'm sick of running after you, Mingyu."

His heart stops beating. Junhui hushes. The single tear is followed by a second, a third, a fourth. By hundreds of others. He sobs like a kid, covering his mouth with his fist to stay silent. He cries for long minutes. He's been so dumb. He's been so blind, so sick with himself he didn't see anything. He's egoistic. He wants to run away. He wants to break free from this stupidly small room with its two stupidly small bed and this stupidly small printing of _The Starry Night_. He wants to get away and disappear from Junhui's life. He want Junhui to never feel pain again.

"I should go. I can catch the first train."

His voice is hoarse and full of tears. Pathetic. That's what he is.

His body is not even able to startle when Jun's voice resonates right next to his ear. He got up from his bed and is kneeling next to his. "I'm tired of running Mingyu. I want to walk. Slow down. With you. Take care of you. Talk to you. Look at you. Smile at you. Touch you. And not lie. I don't want to lie to you ever again."

Mingyu sits in his bed, face still covered with tears. He looks down at Junhui, his chin put on the mattress. He tries to reach for his hand, but Mingyu keeps it away.

"I don't want to hurt you anymore Jun." He can't help it, the tears start flowing again. "And I know nothing but hurt people. Especially you. You're too good Junnie. You suffer too much for people who aren't worth it."

Junhui sits back on his bed, in front of him. Their knees are touching, Mingyu has to spread his legs to give space to Jun. He leans forward, getting their faces close.

"I know how it is. I'm a grown boy. We can learn. We can learn how to get through it. I want to get through it with you. I want to get the old Mingyu back. The Mingyu who was doing okay."

Mingyu cries when Junhui finally catches his hands. He cries when he leans closer and kisses him. Junhui cries too. It's all messy and wet of tears, but maybe it's the best kiss he ever had in his entire life. Because it's Jun. They break apart for him to hide his face in Jun's neck, clings on him, washes his soul with tears, gets free of all this sorrow that tried to burn him down for so long, waters it with tears, extinguishes it to the last ash.

They fall asleep, clinging on each other, on this stupidly small bed that's already too small for a single person, the four of their feet hanging in the void.

He's not lost, but he's home.

**Author's Note:**

> hi folks~
> 
> this fic is right in time for mingyu's birthday, and i hope you liked it. i wrote it really quickly but am kinda happy with it, since it's been such a long time since i last wrote so much. this fic kind of reminds me of mirage, in a certain way (this is a part of a serie i wrote last summer), and i tried my best to write about a subject that i don't perfectly know, so let me know if i wrote things that may be inaccurate or even wrong about depression. i'd be glad to correct it. 
> 
> as always, let me know what you thought of it with a comment, and take care! ♡


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